why I'm choosing obedience
Sometimes, it takes bravery just to finish the day.
One of the things I am struggling through right now is the reality that obedience doesn't mean things start "working". We obey because it is right and good, because God asks it of us. And if things don't "work" right or feel right, we sometimes want to bail or quit because, well, shouldn't we get something out of it if we are being obedient? When I said this to my counselor, he flat out said, "No. We don't obey to get something - peace or fulfillment or rest or anything else. We obey and do the right thing because we are compelled by the love of God to do it."
We don't do what we do in any area of life because it "works". We do it because the truth of God confronts us and His love leaves us no other choice. Obedience is like gratitude and patience and affirmation and grace -- it requires discipline. We discipline ourselves to these things. Fatigue is not an excuse and pushing through to obedience energizes my Chooser, even if my Feeler isn't caught up yet.
And so here I sit, realizing that obedience today is caring for a sick little girl (who doesn't act like she's sick until I want to run an errand and then she loses her mind because NO ERRANDS). Today, obedience is not letting my thoughts boss me around. Today, obedience is just doing the things around the house and letting go of the compulsion to finish all the chores. Today, obedience is whispering through gritted teeth, "Jesus, you're going to have to do this today because I don't want to do any of it. I do not want to be wife and mama and housekeeper and cook and educator and habit-trainer. Today, I want to go get a pedicure and wander outlet stores and maybe see a movie. So...I really need Your life in me to be big and loud and do the things that need to be done...in ways that communicate commitment and tenderness to my family....because I need You..."
I don't feel any better about it. I don't feel energized by it or like my whole world suddenly has some beautiful shimmery stuff around the edges of it, because the happy baby (today definitely more "wee beastie") is still tugging at her ears and throwing stuff and making messes and shouting. But she is still a gift, regardless of how we are all feeling today. And I am still her mama, regardless of how I am feeling today. And these things are just as God orchestrated them, planned them, and just what He necessitated to communicate His life through our family. He chose me for her mama and chose her for my daughter and so I am going to choose to obey Him.
Because He is love and His love compels me to do that.