praying the psalms: psalm 42
It is like being thirsty.
So thirsty that my mouth itches and my throat constricts with every swallow.
This longing for the living God - this strong desire to be restored to Your presence, Jehovah, it is unspoken and yet ever before me.
I long to appear before You and sit at Your feet, yet what have I chosen instead? To be consumed by my tears, by my emotions, by my doubt and frustration. I have eaten richly of my own turmoil, rather than return to the quiet spaces of my spirit, where You reside.
I recall this - I consider this expenditure of time and emotion and I pour out my soul within me.
I know the drill - I know the refreshing that once accompanied the procession to the house of God. For was I not among them? Was I not leading the very throng to the gates of His temple with music and prayer and zealous prophecies? I was embraced by the believers and embraced them in return. I felt the presence of the Lord deep in my bones and in the lightness of my steps as I entered the house of God - it was all joy and ecstasy and thanksgiving and fellowship with the multitudes.
But this? This silence? This thirst and the seeming absence of any real thing with the God to Whom I once prayed with fervor?
It's not to be borne.
I could ask why are you in despair, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Hope in God, soul! For I shall praise Him again, for the help of His presence!
But I can't utter the words. I can't speak them.
You, God. You, GOD. My soul despairs within me. I want to want to pray, but there is simply nothing. Empower me. Restore me to Yourself. Rush through my limbs again, the blood pumping a rhythm worth moving to. Call to my mind Your mighty works in the land of Jordan, and the peaks of Hermon.
Deep calling to deep appears as a void to me - all I can see is that Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. I can't believe as I once believer, I can't be consumed as I once was consumed. This is a shattering of my bones, why have You forgotten me? I am mourning, I am oppressed. Wherefore, o "Mighty God"? Why do you abandon me?
It is up to others to pray it, for I cannot. Someone else must say it on my behalf:
"The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life. Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God."
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contributor wishes to remain unnamed
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