Every day I learn a little more of how little I know. How little I am in charge of.
Last week, new friends (met through our shared consultant at Christian Adoption Consultants) flew to our state when they got the call that their daughter had been born. A month ago, when we exchanged numbers and started texting, this family had not yet been matched. And last week, I got to meet them at the airport, as they flew into a tropical storm, to meet their baby daughter. They waited on pins & needles for her brave birth mother to sign consents, but flew anyway – believing God would sustain them in the outcome.
During that same tropical storm that elevated into a hurricane, my cousin & her family spent two days without power (with a teething baby). Her best friend had a tree come through the roof and they stayed up all night mopping and swapping out buckets of water to make sure their house didn’t flood. The community is working together to meet the needs of the families who suffered from the storm.
Friends from back home are experiencing that unique sadness that comes when a spouse grows ill. The wife is not doing well and Thing A cannot be used to help unless Thing B changes…and thing B is not changing. The husband is watching and praying and…that’s it.
Isn’t that all any of us can do? Watch. Pray.
I don’t care for this method most days. I want to be DOING something. I want to be FIXING it or making it right or contributing to wellness or completion or whatever. I don’t want to watch and pray.
A friend told me recently that her bestie is adopting. This is their family’s first adoption and as they go through the process, they are experiencing the ups and downs we all do. (Note: for the record, the adoption process may follow a general timeline, but each family’s experience is incredibly nuanced. Have mercy.)
The bestie remarked to our mutual friend something in the spirit of: “The finances are such a big hurdle. And as we work to save and raise the funds, I realize that I get more caught up in praying for the money than I do praying for our child.”
Basically a sledgehammer to my heart.
It is hard enough to believe that God’s best for us is adoption: we can do nothing to speed this along or make it happen.
It is hard to consider that we must believe God for around $35,000: we can only do so much to work towards this. It’s humbling.
It is hard to watch and pray, when there is a frantic push in my spirit to WORK hard for that money, so we can JUSTIFY what we’re doing. What if people think we should have more of it than we do? What if people find it an unnecessary expense? Like many pregnant women discover, TOTAL STRANGERS suddenly have lots of opinions and questions.
It’s hard. It’s hard and I’m “septembering” and I am not getting a cold, I am just not going to get one and as I sit here with agency paperwork in the other room and photo sessions to book…I don’t want to watch and pray. I want to lay on my couch and cry and beat my fists into the cushions and wonder why it has to be this way.
Because autumn is coming and then winter and didn’t it just get light again outside?
And inside – didn’t I just get light again inside?